22 9 / 2013

I read the other day that “A wise bird knows that a scarecrow is simply an advertisement.  It announces that some juicy and delicious fruit is to be had for the picking.  There are scarecrows in all the best gardens…If I am wise, I too shall treat the scarecrow as though it were an invitation.  Every giant in the way which makes me feel like a grasshopper is only a scarecrow beckoning me to God’s richest blessing.  Faith is a bird that loves to perch on scarecrows.  All our fears are groundless.”   I have a terrible habit of not being afraid of the scarecrows but of being afraid of the fruit.  I don’t understand why the little things are so difficult for me.  Some days breathing is a chore!  I have many giants and my worst giant of them all is doubt, lack of faith.  It scares me how God often puts us in situations that test our very core.  Right now I am tested daily in faith.  It is so hard and it hurts so much many times.  I often find myself going around the same mountain because I cannot seem to let go of the noise and concentrate on the peace that lies ahead.  I am build to love others and I am designed to love with my whole heart.  This often feels like a curse.  I often find myself in a moment of devastation because someone didn’t react the way that I expected them to.  Right now at this very moment I find myself feeling anxious and fearful.  This is the time that i generally do something stupid so I plan on shutting this down and going to bed.  I pray for help as I sleep.

15 9 / 2013

15 9 / 2013

War is hell…unless you’ve gone through a divorce.  You’ve never seen yourself in a more naked, unexposed fashion than when you leave your world behind and start again.  Seventeen years.  I thought I was ready.  I once heard it said that it is easier to deal with the death of a spouse than divorce.  You have closure there, here…no closure, only complete exposure into your innermost being.  You discover yourself for the first time in a way you’ve never experienced it before.  Exciting, painful, brutal and beautiful.  My first lesson, learned through a series of “unfortunate events,” was that I can truly count on myself.  Abandon that and you have an inner turmoil that it difficult at best to recover from.  You have to do your work.  This is my work.  This is for me.  I welcome you to my work.  I welcome me to my work.

15 9 / 2013

"Scars remind us of where we’ve been, they don’t have to dictate where we’re going."

Rossi from Criminal Minds